Inspiration in the form of a plush rhino

RE: Thursday, May 12

Dear Universe,

I'd like to let you know that I have made the executive decision to cancel next Thursday, May 12.

Please forgive the inconveniences this may cause you, but Thursday needs to be taught a lesson. I'm not ready to formally remove Thursday from the week on a permanent basis, but I feel that a one-week suspension from existence may help it learn how to be a nice day like the rest of the week. At this point, it has fallen lower than Monday--and we all know that that can never be a good sign.

Thursday's offenses are as follows:

1) Causing me a nervous breakdown at work. My workload was no different than it was on the previous days of this week, and yet Thursday brought on the frustration, near tears, and general mental exhaustion.

2) Causing me to write $1,125 in checks for rent and bills. Oh. My. God. Yes, Thursday, you had to take the ONE TIME in the past FOUR YEARS that my bank account balance has been above $1,000 and kill it in the name of Rent, Cable, Internet, and Auto Insurance. I want to live in a world where there is free Internet, Rent, Cable, and Insurance, dammit.

3) Putting traffic on 635 at 7 PM. This doesn't even touch on the fact that you had me at work until 7 PM. Right now, we're just addressing the fact that there was still TRAFFIC AT SEVEN FUCKING PM. This is absurd. The silver lining to staying late at work is SUPPOSED to be that there is no traffic, and that I (God forbid) enjoy driving for once.

4) Hiding my checkbook. I had to write $1,125 worth of checks today, so of course it was the day you decided to hide my checkbook. Way to go, Thursday.

5) Hiding my stamps. They were on the counter. Now they are not on the counter. Thursday, this is all your fault.

6) Keeping me at work until 7 PM. Thursday, I have now worked 44 hours this week. This is absurd. You should have let me out at five, but once again, I was the last person to leave. Thursday, you had better come through with a promotion and a raise sometime in the near future as part of your redemption program.

7) Causing me to miss the FREE alcohol and festivities at Taco Diner for the Wall Street Journal Cinco de Mayo celebration (see #6 for reason).

As you can all see, Thursday has committed some heinous offenses, and deserves to be punished.

However, Friday, if you can be particularly kickass, I might consider making Thursday's punishment less severe, and putting it on a probationary status prior to cancelling it.

To finish, a message brought to you by Loverboy:

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a little romance
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance

posted by K @ 5:57 PM