Insomniac Theatre
I really need to work on my conceptual skills.
See, I have this horrible habit of constantly daydreaming. When I'm driving, when I'm at work, when I'm at lunch, when I'm on the phone, when I'm cooking, when I'm eating... you get the picture.
Now, I've moved on to daydreaming when I'm trying to go to sleep.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me, either.
I think it started because someone told me that if you think about something right before you go to sleep, the chances that you'll dream about it increase.
Of course, I probably should have taken into account the fact that I rarely dream about anything. So instead, this method of trying to control my dreams has morphed into this warped bedtime routine.
I take out my contacts, set my alarms (yes, plural), turn on the ceiling fan, shut the door, turn off the light, crawl into bed, snuggle under the covers, and start daydreaming. Except it's really not limited to daydreaming.
Sometimes I review the day. Sometimes I rewrite the past in my mind... sometimes I try to plan the future.
One thing I've learned from all of this has to do with the times that I try to rewrite the past... imagine how things would have gone if I had done this or that differently.
Truth?
I wouldn't change a thing.
There's not a single rewrite I can concoct that would put me in a place where I'd be as happy as I am today. I like my life. A lot. I like my family, I like my friends, I like my age, I like most everything about it.
I like who I am, who I've turned out to be. And as I mentally change Step A of sophomore year, or alter who I kissed on this night, I realize that without taking the path that I have, there are no guarantees as to who I would be right now.
And I'm not willing to take the risk.
Sure, I might be a better person than I am. But really--why do I need to be? I'm as lucky as they come. I've got a family that loves me and that is there for me. I have friends who make me laugh and make me feel content. I have a job. I have an employer who thinks the world of me and who was excited that I chose them. Yes, that I CHOSE them, because they thought I would choose someone else. I have a kickass grad school application. I have a good GRE score. I have the ability to move wherever I want, whenever I want, because the only person I have to answer to at the end of the day is me.
So while this whole daydreaming-turned-thoughtful thing might be bad for my sleep habits, it's been a wonderful thing for my outlook on life. Sure, I'll still fantasize about the future (and they change daily--everything from me meeting Mr. Right to me never meeting him and being happy about it to moving to Chicago to moving to England to being famous to being in a Presidential Cabinet--my personal favorite), but the past is something I wouldn't touch if I could.
Never have been one to write it down
Now I think I can
I know I'm stronger now
Who's looking south
Not me
I'm not looking back
posted by K @ 11:35 PM
2 Comments:
Like you feel yourself drifting off to sleep and you're sort of starting to lose that thing you're thinking about, and right there, that's your chance! to just drift of into uninterrupted slumber...but no...ooh, to bad, you kept thinking about that thing, and tried to clarify it a little in your mind and by keeping the brain active you've banished that sleep trigger and now you're going to be up for another hour and a half (at least) staring at the ceiling, or the wall, telling yourself "augh, just don't think about stuff! let it happen, really, if I relax enough I'll just go to sleep" and watching the minutes change on the digital clock.
you know, for someone who doesn't do a lot of sleeping, you sure don't do a lot of posting either ;)
alright insomniac, what else you got?
-Tom
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