Theme songs.
Jenn and I have found a song that fits our lives to a T. Some parts are more her, some are more me, but hell--it doens't get much more accurate than this. Chorus omitted due to the fact that there's no real substance there.
Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and that's for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine
Five years and there's no doubt
that I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die.
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'cause there's gotta be something more
I get home, 7:30, the house is dirty but it can wait
Yeah, cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
but I ain't gonna answer, that's for sure
Motherfucker!
This weekend had the potential to go down in the books as one of the good ones.
- I didn't have to drive to A-town for once. Don't get me wrong--I love my family--but having to go once or twice a week really grates on your nerves after a while.
- There was a multitude of good quotes
- I got a parking pass with my (free) Rangers tickets (for excellent seats) for this Wednesday
- I went for a 2-mile run
- I got paid on Friday
- I had girls' night last night, and went out in Uptown tonight
These things, plus a few others that I'm too lazy to list, had all the makings of a great weekend spent chilling out in Dallas with no real obligations or set agenda. Even though we didn't stay out very long tonight (we're boring--what can I say?), I had fun, and I had Taco C at the end of the evening. And I got to watch the only Sex & the City episode where you see a penis, which was entertaining.
And then, I left Jenn's and walked out to my car.
And there it was.
A motherfucking parking ticket.
Did you know that it's illegal to park within 20 feet of a crosswalk? Yeah, I didn't. I know you can't block a fire hydrant. I know you can't park too close to a stop sign.
But a motherfucking crosswalk when it's not even a full-fledged intersection?
I'm so fucking pissed, for multiple reasons:
1) that part of the curb is NOT marked "no parking" in any way, shape, or form. I don't buy for a second that the "within 20 feet of a crosswalk" rule is one that anyone knows off the top of his or her head.
2) the guy behind me (who was obviously also within 20 feet, as my car is NOT 20 feet long) had no parking ticket.
3) the guy in front of me, who was parked in front of a motherfucking fire hydrant (!) had no ticket.
4) I do not have $30 to spare
5) The motherfucking city of Dallas police should be so busy with rapes, murders, and drunk drivers that giving out motherfucking parking tickets should be the LAST thing they're concerned with.
GODDAMMIT!
Obliterated, party of one.
I got wasted last night.
Well, wasted is probably insufficient in terms of description.
I almost died last night, I think.
It started out innocently--I went over to Jenn's with a slice of cake and a bottle of Pinot Grigio, intending to have a glass of wine and watch Sex & the City.
Then it started going downhill.
I drank the entire bottle of wine. Jenn drank 3/4 of a bottle of her own wine. We ate the cake. We watched Sex & the City. We (me) decided that we needed more wine, so we trooped down the street to Wal Mart. We ended up leaving with a bottle of champagne. We drank the champagne by the pool in approximately 30 minutes--by this point, we'd been joined by a third person.
Then Jenn got a call from a friend of hers who was at one of Dallas' most hoity-toity restaurants. He used to work there, and he told us to come up there.
So we did.
And we had 2 or 3 more glasses of (very expensive, very free) wine. And then we went to a bar, and we had a drink.
And somewhere between the restaurant and the bar, I ended up kissing this guy (very briefly) in his car. He, I have to say, was a fantastic kisser. Total lip slut, but I'm not complaining. No numbers were exchanged, thank God, so it can remain a product of being drunk and being young and stupid.
I drove home (Oh my God, the stupidest thing I have EVER EVER EVER done), and passed out. And then I woke up at 3:30 AM because my phone was ringing and someone was pounding on the door--Jenn had left her keys in my car, and she was over to pick them up. I was not wearing pants (not sure why this is relevant), so I had to hide behind the door, hand her my car keys, and then crawl back into bed when she returned them.
I woke up at 7:40 AM--I'm absolutely shocked that I woke up--still drunk. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, grabbed the first clean clothes I found, and called Jenn. She answered with a "mmph", and then said she was considering calling in sick. I picked her up, drove us to work, picked up Whataburger, ate it, and have since been sitting at my desk. I'm still slightly drunk.
Oh.
My.
God.
Never, ever again. Never. I don't want to even LOOK at alcohol for at least two weeks. I don't want to smell it. I never want to drink pinot grigio again. I never want to drink champagne again. I never want to make out in a parking lot aga--well, scratch that one.
I woke up with a headache from the night before
'cause sometimes I drink
I spent the night with my head in a toilet bowl
that's where I like to think
100 Things
Because I'm oh-so-original.
1. I secretly love Apple, and want an iBook.
2. I fully believe that inanimate objects have feelings.
3. I hate talking on the phone
4. but I want people to call me.
5. I am very shy
6. but you'd never know it if you know me well.
7. The concept of talking "dirty" mortifies me beyond belief, and I will never be wasted enough to pull it off.
8. Using "u" in place of "you" or "ur" in place of "your" will render you off of my buddy list/out of my call log.
9. Zach Morris from Saved By The Bell is my ideal guy in human form.
10. I wish I could sing
11. but I'll settle for being a good violin player.
12. I wish I had played cello, though.
13. I hate how insecure I am.
14. My weakness is creamy jalepeno and a margarita.
15. I still sleep with a pound puppy named Cooler that I've had for 21 years
16. And the baby blanket I've had for 23.
17. Speaking of sleep, I can't sleep anywhere but on my stomach
18. and I never sleep as well when I'm not in my own bed
19. or when someone is in bed with me.
20. I can't watch scary movies.
21. I hate making decisions
22. which is why being laid back is a good thing for me
23. because I don't really care what anyone else decides, as long as I don't have to do it.
24. This means that my worst nightmare would be to date someone as apathetic as me.
25. I like Dave Matthews, even though it's cool to hate him now.
26. I've never understood the desire to have sex in your parents' bed
27. and I really think people who want to are freaky.
28. I used to hate my job
29. but now I think it's pretty cool
30. and I'm not just saying that because of all the free stuff I get.
31. I think penguins are the coolest animal ever
32. and I totally want a pet penguin, even if that's not realistic.
33. I used to want to be a doctor
34. then I took chemistry and decided to go into corporate communications instead.
35. I'm slightly dyslexic--I scramble numbers, not letters.
36. This is ironic, considering that 90% of my job is centered around numbers.
37. I have severe ADD.
38. My right leg is 1.25" longer than my left
39. you can't tell because when I walk, I don't straighten my right leg completely
40. so no, I don't have a limp.
41. But I do have a tendancy to trip over air.
42. I like my hair better as brunette than blonde.
43. I wear flip flops non-stop from March to November
44. I get flip flop tan lines even if I'm not wearing them while out in the sun.
45. I don't know if I want to get married
46. but if I do, I think I want a destination wedding. So much less hassle.
47. It would probably be in the Bahamas
48. but I have no idea who my bridesmaids would be
49. nor do I know what kind of engagement ring I would want.
50. I'm told that this is not normal for a female.
51. I like my sister now
52. It took us 21 years to get to a place where we could actually relate to each other
53. I blame the four year age difference.
54. I've always loved her, but loving someone doesn't obligate you to like them--that has to be voluntary.
55. I hate driving when there are other people on the road
56. and I wish that I had the power to take people's licenses away on the spot for being stupid drivers.
57. If I could have one superpower, it would be the ability to fly.
58. I suck at picking favorite movies, books, and songs.
59. I look nothing like my father
60. but I am exactly like him in terms of personality.
61. I have puked exactly one time since I was six years old
62. it was because I got absolutely wasted
63. I don't remember anything from that night,
64. but I woke up the next morning sans shirt in my (male) friend's bed
65. Oops.
66. I have come to the conclusion that pre-martial sex is not fun enough to make up for the stress it causes
67. because no matter how many forms of birth control you're using, you will panic every month when it's time for your period
68. though it is nice to look forward to getting your period, because when you're abstinent, you don't want it.
69. I used to hate fireworks because of the loud noise
70. but I no longer need to stick my fingers in my ears to tolerate them.
71. I have an 80% hearing loss in my left ear
72. and it's really inconvenient
73. but I do have limited lip reading skills that I employ when in bars and restaurants where it's hard to hear people
74. but I have to remember to explain why I'm staring at someone's mouth.
75. I hate pancakes.
76. I'm not a fan of chocolate or candy either.
77. I also hate water,
78. and it totally has a taste to it.
79. I love being outside
80. and I wish I could go camping more often.
81. although I am terrified of snakes, so this might not be the best plan.
82. I was sick for six straight weeks two years ago
83. and my glands still haven't stopped swelling from it.
84. I think that green skittles represent all that is evil about the world.
85. but green M&Ms are my favorite.
86. I think that it is better to have a few very close friends than a lot of casual friends.
87. If you had told me five years ago that I'd still be in frequent contact with people from high school, I would've laughed you out of the room
88. and I'm still glad we don't do five year reunions.
89. I think that getting married right out of college is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
90. People that cannot control the volume of their voices annoy the crap out of me
91. as do people that interrupt.
92. Sometimes I wish I'd done the creative sequence
93. and then I look at people I know who did the creative sequence and are still unemployed
94. and I think "damn, media is awesome"
95. I love college football
96. but I hate the NFL.
97. I don't so much like kids
98. they're awfully weird.
99. I am neither a cat nor a dog person.
100. my birthday occasionally falls on Mother's Day.
What a feeling
I'm starting to think that I've jumped ship on the growing up process.
On the objective, rational side of things, I'm not concerned. 23 isn't exactly old. 24 isn't either, for that matter. I don't feel the need to, so why should I?
On the emotional, stupid side of things, I feel pressured.
I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want to have to figure out how to date someone, how to like someone, how to fit someone into my life. I'm sure that if a prospect appeared that motivated me to want to do these things, I'd have no problems--however, I'm certainly not seeking it out. One might say that I'm even avoiding it.
But when I hear one of my best friends telling me that she can't go to lunch on Saturday because she has to try on wedding dresses, one of my other friends talking about how she's met a guy that she'll even call for casual phone conversations every day, another friend discussing the new guy in her life that she really likes... another friend that is slowly moving towards getting to know a guy in the capacity of dating...
Don't leave me to be single alone, y'all.
I've dealt with friends before who find a boyfriend or girlfriend and do one of two things: 1) They disappear until the breakup occurs, or 2) They stick around, but they never go anywhere without the significant other (which is quite honestly even more annoying than if they just disappeared. I signed up to be friends with you. Your girlfriend sucks. I don't want to hang out with her every time I see you.).
It sucks, but generally the majority of my other friends are still single, and it's not an issue.
However, as we get older, people are (understandably) looking to find that person that they want to settle down with, register at Target with, fight over who cleans the bathroom with. And that means that at any given moment, my pool of single friends is likely going to be outnumbered by my pool of attached friends. This leaves me off in the lonely land of being the "single one of the group", which, in a word, sucks.
Of course, I should be thankful that we're not at the point where my attached friends will invite me to dinner and "Surprise! Michael, our friend who is also single, just happened to be free tonight!"
In other words, I don't want a relationship. I don't think, anyway. But at the same time, I don't want to be left on the dock completely alone while everyone else sails off into the sunset.
One of y'all is going to have to hang out with me to fish off of the pier for a while longer.
All I wanna do is rock this motherfucker all night long y'all
Nonstop til the crack of dawn y'all
Ass knockin til you can't go on
Holy stupidity, Batman!
I have little to no detail about the flight that John and Tom are arriving on today. This is because Tweedledum and Tweedledumbass neglected to ever give me information.
All I've got is that they're on United. I was told by John that they land at 10:56 AM.
Imagine my surprise when my phone rang at 10:15 AM and the caller ID said John's name. My first thought?
"You guys are supposed to be on a plane, in the sky, without cell phone service."
I answered, and we had a conversation that went something like this:
John: We're here! We're at gate B29.
Kelly: What do you mean, you're here? It's 10:15
John: Well, yeah, the plane was delayed.
Kelly: Delayed?! You told me you were landing at 11 AM!
John: It is 11 A--oh shit... this is central time... it's only 10:15.
*sigh*
Their asses are still at the airport because I couldn't leave work until 11, LIKE I HAD PLANNED TO DO.
I'm on my way to get them now. Wish me luck.
